i still love you. | jasper simon

the waters of you are deep. every time i crawl away, the riptide of us envelops me again and i fall back into a rhythm that aches with each breath, i miss you. there is no replacement for the piece of myself that you tore out of me, no shape to fit the gap. supposedly time will heal me, but life, loneliness without you is insurmountable. i can’t wait to drown so that perhaps your ghost will finally love me back.

i feel lonely in my body: i am not the damaged mess of flesh i see in the mirror: i am not so wide, i am not so old, and i am not so gracless to have hurt you. here i stand just the same, unable to match my own eyes in the glass, because i couldn’t be vulnerable in a way that mattered. i tell myself that my condition emboldens my humanity but loneliness is hungry, desperate for your touch, begging for empathy that i can’t afford. my body is empty and i am lonely.

guilt is big and mean and has a terrible habit of hiding just out of reach. it’s easy to see your ghost but i will never eradicate the guilt. she was only a girlfriend, you were just kids, it wasn’t true love. i’ve been told i’m not sick enough but i’ve never been told i’m not guilty. i invite your memory inside, feed and fatten it so that i won’t be alone with my faults. i’m not sick enough but i am endlessly guilty whether it was real or not.

the good moments won’t, can’t last. contentedness is fleeting, over as soon as i know it’s there. this time, these people i should treasure yet i can only mourn the present because i’m not sharing it with you.

i haven’t had an honest cry in a while. lately my tears have been superficial and trivial, about stressful, meaningless things about adult life. it’s easy to ignore the reason why i’m hurting, to pretend that my heartache isn’t real. when i look deeper and see my own humanity i remember that it’s okay to hurt and that feelings are important; that they come and go like the tide. giving myself time to let the water sting is a gift.

i have to wonder if you really loved me. was the promise you made me the truth? i question if you are the person i thought you were, if these traces of you are distorted into something more beautiful. for now i accept that i was not enough and hope that i will grow into something different.

in the quiet spaces of early morning i feel you the most. i weep because i’m really alone with an expired version of myself, the me that you loved. i loved you back, deeply, fully, without question and when i fucked up and tore us apart i froze in time, forever broken. i try to think of it as a reprieve, a separation and for that i’m grateful; i loved you and now i can rest. i love you, forever more, and now it’s time to sleep.

i try to let go of you. i desperately want to release this pain and this sadness, take on a fresh new start and embrace a new soul. but i am so afraid. love is a leap into nothing, after all. it’s hard not to share the string that holds me together, impossible to take them back in time for the end of all things. i want to be fearless if not for me, for you. for what we had and for the future. i owe it to how strong i’ll become in your absence.

you left a mark on me. i loved you from the day we met, loved the way you’d talk and laugh, smile at me like i was your world. i adored your cynicism and how we would take over the sky, swirling and dancing like snow, filling the world with light. of course, the storm ended and you walked out of my life. i am forever branded with my own sorrow, encased in what was and will never be again. i can only wait for the warmth to set me free. i wait for the next you to begin again.

our love was beautiful and it was painful and it was the experience of living. thank you for showing me that.

i still love you. is a look into life after love. this collection is Jasper's 2021 work.